ED2013 Columns ED2013 Comedy

The Maydays: The ten best (and worst) confessions

By | Published on Saturday 17 August 2013


Improv group The Maydays’ show ‘Confessions’ always begins with, well, confessions. From the audience that is. Real life confessions that the group then bring to life on stage. Needless to say, there’s been some pretty bizarre confessions to date. We asked one of the group, Heather Urquhart, to compile ten of the most outrageous.

I must confess I’ve avoided the most extreme confessions we’ve ever dealt with here, because some of them were just too downright sick, filthy and twisted. What follows is a countdown of 10 recently received misdemeanours, ranging from the mildest of mild to downright evil. These are totally unedited and have been confessed to us at our shows:

10. “I thought you needed a passport to get to the Isle Of Wight until I was told otherwise at uni”.

9. “I had run out of carrots so I took a carrot from my housemate’s bag of carrots without telling her”.

8. “I’m an identical twin. One time, my sister’s boyfriend tried to kiss me instead. The best part? She walked in at that exact moment”.

7. “I got back from a night out rather drunk. My three year old daughter woke up needing a wee. I sat her on the wicker waste paper basket instead of the toilet. She was rather distressed!”

6. “At a very wet Glastonbury, I lost my trainers and after a day with cold muddied feet I stole the wellies outside a tent next to mine. The person in the tent next to us sounded very upset the next morning”.

5. “I dropped my cat from varying heights upside down – culminating in the garage roof to see if it’s true that they always land on their feet. It is. However later in life he developed arthritis in his legs. I blame myself”.

4. “I once glued my brother’s teeth together with superglue. When he was 5”.

3. “I shared a bedroom with my sister. At fifteen she worked in a bar and used to come home really late and be loud. I was eight. I told her if she didn’t stop I’d kill myself. So one night, I opened our bedroom window wide, then ran outside and lay face down on the paving slabs. She was hysterical”.

2. “My ex-boyfriend stole £500 off another friend of ours. Although I wasn’t involved in the theft, I then ran off to London with him and helped him spend the whole lot starting by staying in a swanky hotel for the night”.

1. “I killed a man”.

‘The Maydays: Confessions’ was performed at Underbelly Cowgate at Edinburgh Festival 2013.