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Stewart Francis: Stew penned this

By | Published on Wednesday 29 July 2015

Stewart Francis

Stewart Francis will rock up at the Assembly Rooms this Fringe with his show ‘Pun Gent’. In anticipation of what’s to come, we handed him a pen and surveyed what followed. Needless to say, there was some tough self-questioning…

I’m Stewart Francis and I’m here with my show ‘Pun Gent’. Below I’ve assembled some words for your reading pleasure…enjoy.

Winston Churchill once told me and my brother Robson Green that “no one likes a liar”. He then leaned across his seat towards us on that Concorde flight three years ago today and whispered “the truth will set you free”, followed by “never overuse quotation marks”. Well, here we are, “twenty years later”, and I can honestly say that it’s an absolute honour for me to be performing my first solo show ‘Pun Gent’ here at the non-corporate Edinburgh Fringe Festival™.

Now, drop what you’re doing “unless you’re a maternity nurse”, and enjoy this Q&A.

Q. Is it true that you can’t use a telescope?
A. No comet.

Q. If you could change one thing about yourself, what would it be?
A. My narcolep

Q. How many puns do you have about the way Germans say no?
A. Five.

Q. Where do you think the largest supply of prescription drugs can be found?
A. Bill Cosby’s glove box.

Q. Rod Stewart kicks footballs into the crowd at his concerts. What would you hope to get at a Peter Andre concert?
A. Tinnitus.

Q. You’re from a show business family, correct?
A. Yes, I come from a “long line” of alcoholic tightrope walkers.

Q. Where do you usually see your family?
A. Funerals.

Q. A lot of comedians are “too weird” to maintain a relationship. What’s your current situation?
A. I’m in bed with my mother and father.

Q. You recently and very controversially asked the producers of ‘Who Do You Think You Are’ to remove a portion of your episode because you thought that it made you look bad. Can you elaborate?
A. Yes. To my great shame, I found out that a distant cousin of mine is Ben Affleck.
Q. I thought you said you were from a show business family…BOOM.

Q. Whose your showbiz crush?
A. Do you know Susanna Reid from ‘Good Morning Britain’?
Q. Nice choice.
A. The guy beside her.

Q. What do you think most parents are concerned about their children being exposed to?
A. Rita Ora’s breasts.

Q. Do any of your children get bullied?
A. Just the smelly one.

Q. If you could go back in time. What advice would you give to a twelve year old you?
A. Never go into a BBC building.

Q. What’s one of your favourite things to do in Scotland?
A. Shove my Granny off a bus.

Q. Ah, you’re referring to the famous Scottish children’s song ‘You Cannae Shove Your Granny Off The bus’.
A. What song?

Q. You’ve been accused many times in the past of interrupting people…
A. When they speak.
Q. Yes, and when you’re challenged
A. About this.
Q. You will then go into a huff.

WHO: Stewart Francis.
WHERE: Assembly Rooms.
WHY: To laugh your sweet ass off.
WHEN: 8.10pm