ED2014 Columns ED2014 Comedy

Pomme Is French For Apple: The art of flirting

By | Published on Friday 22 August 2014

Well, we couldn’t let the Festival finish without offering our readers some flirting advice could we. Could we? Well, seemingly no.

Pomme Is French For Apple

So, thanks aplenty to Liza Paul and Bahia Watson from Pomme Is French For Apple who’ve stepped into the breach to offer some tips for the flirty men of the Fringe.

In an era where people’s online personas are heavily curated, the art of flirting, courtship and dating in real life is dying a slow and painful death. In an effort to salvage what’s left of good flirting and dating etiquette, we have compiled some dating do’s and don’ts.

Some may seem obvious – that’s good. It means that you are among the enlightened and we are happy to have you onboard. If any of what follows comes as news to you, pay close attention: you could probably use our help. Remember the world is a way more fun place to be when people are smiling and pums are tingling. Trust.

DO: Be charming: smile, laugh, listen, wait your turn to speak and above all make her laugh. Laughter is the quickest way to the pum, not to be crass, but we all know why we’re here.

DO NOT: Ask her what she’s wearing in the second text message you ever send her and then respond to her non-response with a naked picture of yourself.

DO: Pay her a compliment. Make it a sincere one that has nothing to do with her breasts, batty or pum – at least until you’ve actually had carnal knowledge of the aforementioned areas. At that point, you should tell her how wonderful all of her parts are (especially her mind), as often as you can.

DO NOT: Kiss her for the first time and immediately follow it up with “should we get a room?” Slow down, bruh. It’s not a race.

DO: Kiss her as often as she’ll let you. Kissing is a dying art.

DO NOT: Think that “hey you” is an appropriate conversation starter. It is not. Whether written or spoken – it is not.

DO: Send fun, flirty text messages.

DO NOT: Assume that sending those text messages is in any way equivalent to asking her out on a real, live date. Keep it virtual and that’s all you’ll get, flesh and blood is wassup.

DO: Read from time to time. It may give you ideas on appropriate conversation starters.

DO: Offer to buy her a drink. Queens get thirsty too, especially when you ask us lots of questions about ourselves – talking is thirsty work.

DO: Enjoy the mystery of meeting a new person, it’s actually really fun.

DO NOT: Approach anyone with your list of assumptions ie: “you’re a dancer, right?”, “let me guess – student?” or “you’re one of those…” It’s annoying and you’re wrong most of the time.

DO: Be aware of your breath. Many a good opportunity has been ruined by bad odour. Stay hydrated, be fresh and in severe cases – try probiotics!

DO NOT: Stare.

DO NOT: Grab, hold or touch strangers. It can be frightening. Have you ever heard of something called boundaries…?

DO NOT: Send unsolicited dick pics. You ain’t that pretty.

‘Pomme Is French For Apple’ was performed at Underbelly Cowgate at Edinburgh Festival 2014.

Photo: Siddiqui