ED2014 Columns ED2014 Comedy

Mark Restuccia: How to fill a stand-up’s day

By | Published on Saturday 19 July 2014

Mark Restuccia was previously seen at the Fringe presenting a treatise on how to succeed at internet dating, and an explicit expose of the world of said internet dates. But this year he’s changed tack a bit, and is returning to Edinburgh with a comedy show about, well, doing comedy shows. What is it actually like to be an actual, actual comedian. How do you come up with your material? And how do you spend your days?

Mark Restuccia

Having presumably, erm, ‘researched’ that topic throughly by, well, working for quite a bit as a stand-up comedian I guess, Mark is clearly now well immersed in the stand-up’s lifestyle. Making him the perfect man to advise aspiring stand-ups who are perhaps (or perhaps not?) wondering what exactly they should do with all those long, empty days…

Good morning/evening/whatever.

I’m Mark Restuccia and I’m a stand-up comedian. Are you thinking about becoming a stand-up too?

Well, it can be a very lonely and very boring world when you’re not on stage. Because most of your sane friends have got proper jobs, so you’re working when they’re home and vice versa. Which leaves shopkeepers, leafleteers and other comedians as the only people left for you to talk to during the long daytime hours. And I’ve managed to alienate 66.6% of those groups, which only leaves leafleteers as potential friends.

With that in mind, here are my top ten tips on how to prevent one-self from going insane during those long days alone:

1. If you’re driving on a long journey to a gig on your own, try sellotaping a red flashing light to your dashboard and playing the ‘Naked Gun’ theme on a loop. Minutes of fun.

2. Also when you’re driving, change your sat nav voice to that of the opposite sex. But be careful not to start falling in love with it though. I now hold my farts in and everything when driving.

3. Think of a new ‘coffee name’ for yourself every day. My favourite one is Fenton. Give them that, then don’t answer to recreate a viral video from yesteryear. The staff at Starbucks will eventually stop asking you your name as well.

4. Adopt an animal from abroad. I’ve adopted several. Which means I can waste time looking at their pictures online. And working out how the hell I’m going to explain to them one day why they don’t all look like each other.

5. Go to the cinema. Films are a great way to pass an afternoon and gain material. Though I recently went to see a Coen brothers’ film that was actually ruined for me by two people. The Coen Brothers.

6. Hunt around your high street for deals. Comedy doesn’t pay much, so you have to scrimp. I found out that the sandwich shop ‘Subway’ are currently doing a deal “choose between nine subs and a drink”. I chose nine subs.

7. Take a long bath to pass some time. I was in the bath for two hours yesterday, then I thought “I’ll put some water in now”.

8. If you live in a flat, try picking a favourite of all the hilarious wireless networks that surround you. My favourites are: TakemyWIFI___Please, The Black IP’s and the particularly hilarious BTHUB857575cd_yy.

9. Move near a nice coffee shop to do some writing in. I have a great one on my doorstep, which unfortunately makes it really hard for my to get in and out of my house.

10. Just get out of the house. Don’t get stuck inside watching Jeremy Kyle or masturbating all day. Incidentally, those two activities should under no circumstances be participated in concurrently.

‘Mark Restuccia – Stooch Club’ was performed at Just The Tonic at The Mash House at Edinburgh Festival 2014.

LINKS: www.markrestuccia.com