ED2014 Columns ED2014 Comedy

Joey Page: This is not a quiz

By | Published on Sunday 17 August 2014

This, we can’t stress enough, is not a quiz. Though if you are wondering whether or not you are eligible to attend Joey Page’s show this year, then why not complete this short quiz to see if you’re good audience material?

Joey Page

Though, and we cannot stress this enough, this is not a quiz. Nor is it a circus. In fact it’s more not a circus than it isn’t a quiz. And here’s your host Joey Page…

1. Ollie is singing a provocative song in the office. You are getting quite giddy for him. What is the problem?
a. Ollie is a big strapping lad with a monstrous beard and Hawaiian shirt combo?
b. The work place is inappropriate for an office romance.
c. Ollie is a figment of your imagination and has calculator buttons for teeth.

2. There is an awful racket coming from your back garden on a midsummers morn. You open the kitchen blind to see French onion, cream of vegetable, chicken and mushroom, and gazpacho grappling in your back garden. But which one will be soup de jour?
a. Only students and fitness freaks eat soup. It’s a total shut out.
b. Soups aren’t living things and certainly do not fight. This whole concept is moronic.
c. There is a rather portly bread roll on the door step with a note attached – you assume one of the soups is trying to curry favour so you bring it inside. The top of the bread roll falls off revealing inside a delicious Hungarian goulash. The note reads “better luck next time suckers”.

3. A new Channel 4 programme is starting called ‘SuperCarrs’ where Alan, Maxine and Jimmy Carr drive around the country with a box of Carr’s crackers, looking at how cars are made. Do you…
a. Check it out for five minutes before going back to watching ‘Storage Hunters’.
b. Really enjoy it and tell Ralph at work that it’s a bloody brilliant ground-breaking piece of TV.
c. Go and make a paper mache life-sized model of a French goose and try and enter it into the Turner Prize.

4. Former Olympic javelin thrower Gerhart Goozner is such a card, he put his tins in the glass recycling bin, his glass in the paper bin, and his paper in the wood bin, but what else is wrong with his recycling technique?
a. He puts them out on the wrong days.
b. I’m not interested in this guy or recycling or this stupid quiz. To be honest I’m surprised I’ve read this far.
c. He is often naked, save a pair of crocs, and he hasn’t kept in competition shape.

5. True or False: Clancy’s bakery makes the best iced buns the emperor has ever tasted?
a. Maybe.
b. I couldn’t care less, Clancy isn’t even a real name.
c. True – but only on the condition that the buns are in the shape of flamingos.

6. Why does nobody like Mike?
a. He wears a tie with cartoon characters on it.
b. How am I supposed to pass judgement on a clearly mythical man?
c. He eats all the orange and purple sweets out of the jar, only leaving greens and yellows for the rest of us.

7. Should I go and see Joey Page’s show?

If you answered mostly A: I feel like the whimsical nature of this quiz might have turned me into a probable punter.

If you answered mostly B: No way, I just like actual jokes and hate having to use my imagination.

If you answered mostly C: Definitely – I love shows that pursue flights of fancy to the detriment of punchlines, especially if the comic is wearing a jaunty hat.

‘Joey Page: This Is Not A Circus’ was performed at Underbelly Bristo Square at Edinburgh Festival 2014.

LINKS: www.joey-page.co.uk

Photo: Steve Ullathorne