ED2014 Comedy ED2014 Interviews ED2014 Week2 Edition

Fringe comics heckle Christ

By | Published on Wednesday 13 August 2014

Come Heckle Christ

As they always say, anyone’s welcome to do stand-up at the Edinburgh Fringe, just as long as they can take the heckles. Though most comedians don’t turn the heckling into their entire show. But most comedians aren’t Jesus Christ. Yes, with Edinburgh 2014 hosting the Messiah himself (who may look rather more like Aussie comedian Josh Ladgrove than you might have thought) in a show called ‘Come Heckle Christ’, we invited comics from across the Fringe to shout out their own heckles (aka questions) to the Almighty via the pages of ThreeWeeks. Take it away JC…

Jim Campbell (in ‘Personal Space’ at Underbelly Bristo Square): The general consensus is that human flesh tastes like chicken yet the body of Christ you get in church is basically a biscuit. What’s going on here?
JC: Frogs and rabbits are supposed to taste like chicken. Humans are supposed to take like pork. But we don’t. We taste like Oreos. The church originally used Oreos for communion, but had to switch to the bland wafers you’re used to as a cost saving measure after dealing with the onslaught of civil litigation re overzealous priests.

Rhys Mathewson (in ‘Hombre Lobo’ at the Pleasance Courtyard ): Hi Jesus. How do you feel about disco also dying and then coming back?
JC: Disco’s back? Has anyone told Disco Stu? I’m not too fussed either way, I’m more of a metal fan.

Ria Lina (in ‘School Of Riason’ at Gilded Balloon): Do you feel the whole prophet thing is maybe just an overreaction to never knowing your dad?
JC: No, carpentry was no longer providing a stable income (offshore manufacturing) and the prophet industry was booming at the time, so I made the switch and never looked back.

John Robertson (in ‘The Dark Room’ at Underbelly Cowgate and ‘A Nifty History’ at The Stand): Why is there suffering? And in the case of masochists, why isn’t there more?
JC: Without suffering, Buddha would never have laid out the Four Noble Truths (basically, that shit happens) and we never would have got Buddhism (my favourite religion). As for the masochists, might I suggest attaching yourself to a crucifix and inviting an audience to heckle you for an hour?

Abigoliah Schamaun (in ‘It’s Pronounced Abigoliah Schamaun’ at Gilded Balloon): I know he betrayed you, but the Judas kiss; was it hot?
JC: Ahh, the real Passion Of The Christ, way before Brokeback Mountain. (Yes).

Baba Brinkman (in ‘The Rap Guide To Religion’ at Gilded Balloon and ‘The Canterbury Tales Remixed’ at Underbelly Bristo Square): I saw a magician turn water into wine at the Fringe, can you reveal the trick?
JC: There are two common techniques. The first is a Derren Brown (God) style technique where you hypnotise the entire audience and simply replace the water with wine while they’re all under. Personally, I’m not clever enough for that and can’t really be bothered. The second technique is more to my liking; a £5.99 DIY kit from Aha Ha Ha Jokes & Novelties shop just off Grassmarket, simple and cost effective.

Marcel Lucont (in ‘Marcel Lucont Is’ at the Pleasance Dome): Jesus, if on a dinner date with a Christian woman, is ordering the ‘spare ribs’ tantamount to cannibalism?
JC: Yes. Not that that’s always a bad thing. “And ye shall eat the flesh of your sons, and the flesh of your daughters shall ye eat.” – Leviticus 26:29. If it’s a first date you’re best off playing it safe and ordering the sacrificial lamb.

Lou Sanders (in ‘In Another Great Show Again’ at City Cafe): Why do dogs sniff each other’s butt holes and are you my real dad?
JC: That’s two questions Lou, though they do seem related. There are many mysteries contained within the confines of a dog’s butt hole and no.

Alfie Moore (in ‘The Naked Stun’ at Assembly George Square): Hey Jesus, just trying to split the bill for the Last Supper. Can you remember if Peter had the cheesecake?
JC: Did you ask Peter? He’ll probably deny it the first three times you ask him, so just be sure to ask him a fourth time.

Dr Professor Neal Portenza (in ‘Performs His Own Autopsy Live On Stage…’ at Just the Tonic at The Mash House): Hello Mr. Jesus, my left foot itches.
JC: Hi Neal, that’s not really a question. Have you tried Canesten? It’s about £4.99 from Boots.

‘Come Heckle Christ’ was performed at the Pleasance Courtyard at Edinburgh Festival 2014.