ED2011 Columns ED2011 Comedy

Lloyd Langford: Not Many People Know That!

By | Published on Friday 12 August 2011

Lloyd Langford

Stand-up Lloyd Langford has come to the Fringe this year armed with facts. Lots of them. Though some were gleaned from a book credited to a certain Michael Caine. Lloyd steps up to the ThreeWeeks platform to share some of those facts with you now.

My show this year is called ‘The Cold Hard Facts Of Life’. I took the name from a country song by Porter Wagoner about a guy who discovers his wife is cheating on him, and then kills both her and the lover. Though I should add my new hour is about facts, not offing the morally deficient

In researching this show, I found one book in particular invaluable. ‘Michael Caine’s Not Many People Know That! Plus Michael Caine’s And Not Many People Know This Either! Complete In One Volume’. I bought it for a quid in a charity shop.

It’s a compendium of facts first published in 1984, and no doubt studiously compiled by Caine himself. Anyone who has seen ‘Blame It On Rio’ might have judged Caine’s lacklustre performance on the poor script, or possibly attributed it to a general limitation in his acting range. Truth be told, he was too busy assembling this mighty tome to fully commit to a sex comedy where he plays a 41 year old man who seduces his best friend’s underage daughter.

Anyway, I thought I’d share with you some facts from the book.

FACT 1: According to aeronautical science, the bumble-bee shouldn’t be able to fly.
Erm, I’m not sure this is a fact Michael. Your use of “according to” and “shouldn’t be able to” marks this out as supposition rather than fact. And while I know that a theory did circulate in the 1930s stating that, according to aerodynamics, bumblebees shouldn’t be capable of flight, the scientist involved was using figures and equations as applied to fixed-wing aircraft. And a bumblebee does not have fixed wings. Nor, is it an aircraft.

FACT 2: Nutmeg, if injected intravenously, is fatal.
Now we’re talking. Something that could prove useful. Remember kids, never share needles with a spice merchant.

FACT 3: A ten gallon hat in fact only holds about three quarters of a gallon.
Indeed. Not many people know that Sheriff Pat Garrett eventually gunned down Billy The Kid outside a kitchen utensil shop, after Billy became frustrated at his failed attempts to make a date and walnut loaf, and left his hideout to go and buy a proper measuring jug.

FACT 4: Both David Bowie and Elton John have admitted to being bisexual.
Mr Caine, I think your book may need a reprint.

Lloyd Langford’s show ‘The Cold Hard Facts Of Life’ was performed at The Stand during Fringe 2011.

LINKS: www.lloydlangford.com