ED2011 Columns ED2011 Comedy

Dave Gibson and Charlie Talbot: Fighting the Battle Of Britain

By | Published on Thursday 18 August 2011

Battle Of Britain

For Fringe 2011, Dave Gibson and Charlie Talbot present a thorough investigation into the cultural, social and economic differences that occur across the British Isles today.
Well, they have a big barney about which is better, Dave’s North or Charlie’s South. To give you a flavour, we asked the guys to present their respective cases for regional superiority, offering some topics around which to structure their debate.

CT: Obviously ‘EastEnders’ is better. ‘Corrie’ is a live action Wallace and Gromit snoozefest in which nothing has ever happened.

DG: Rubbish. ‘EastEnders’ is a depression-inducing conveyor belt of grim moaning idiots where EVERYONE finds out they’ve been cheated on in the Queen Vic. Why would anyone go in there?

CT: Obviously the South is better. We have a great variety of different foods.

DG: But up North we have a great variety of different foods… in pies. And everything is better in a pie. You cannot name a single meal that would not be improved by a pastry crust.

DG: I don’t care who’s got the best music. The South gave us three-fifths of the Spice Girls. And Mr Blobby.

CT: But Black Lace are from Leeds. I rest my case.

DG: We all know, Northerners are the friendliest people in the world.

CT: Ha, your lot always bang on about this. Northerners always tell you that Northerners are the friendliest people in the world. They forget to add that Northerners are only the friendliest people in the world if the person they’re talking to isn’t from London.

DG: We have the best darts player in the world. Phil The Power Taylor has fifteen world titles. Yes, fifteen…

CT: And one conviction for indecent assault in a caravan. Classy. Whereas the most famous Southern darts player was Eric Bristow, the Crafty Cockney. He was accused of punching his wife in the face but was eventually cleared. So that’s better.

DG: I don’t understand the credit crunch, but I’m pretty certain if you interviewed the men who caused it they wouldn’t speak with a Geordie accent. And all the cuts are being imposed by Southerners in London.

CT: Well, according to the North-South Divide most audiences set, Grantham is above the line. That makes Thatcher your fault, so you effectively closed down your own pits. And the biggest subprime mortgage offender in the UK was Northern Rock. The clue’s in the name.

DG: We had the Beatles, the best band ever. And look at The Smiths, they were brilliant. Then Morrisey moved south and became a vegetarian racist.

CT: The Stones were cooler than the Beatles. The Beatles never ate Mars Bars. And they recorded ‘Yellow Submarine’.

DG: You idiots say “glass”, when everyone knows it’s pronounced “glass”.

CT: No it’s not “glass”, it’s “glass”. You tool.

Dave Gibson and Charlie Talbot’s show ‘Battle of Britain: North vs South’ was performed at the Underbelly during Fringe 2011.

LINKS: www.charlietalbot.co.uk