ED2010 Columns ED2010 Comedy

Addy van der Borgh’s Fringe Dictionary

By | Published on Tuesday 31 August 2010

Addy Van Der Borgh

With him performing the show ‘Advanced Mumbo Jumbo’ in Edinburgh this year, we asked Addy van der Borgh to compile a dictionary of specialist (and only slightly made up) terms for Fringe people.

ACCOMPLANE: the immense disappointment you feel when you enter your horrendously overpriced flat for the first time, and realise that for this amount you could have had a villa in Antigua as opposed to a damp and dusty shithole an hour and a half climb away from your venue.

AIRUTEEN: the act of opening a door or window in the middle of your show in order to let in some slightly less boiling air, but doing it in such a way as to pretend it is a spontaneous act of relief rather than a scripted necessity performed at exactly the same point every evening.

ALKALATE: the noticeable difference in audience energy levels between the early evening crowd at your solo show and the crusty rabble facing you as you close a late show at three in the morning, trying to advertise your early evening solo show. See ALKALOSE.

ALKALOSE: the look of disappointment on the face of an audience member who bought tickets to a show they saw storming it at Late n Live, only to realise they won’t be seeing the stuff about drinking and shagging that was so hilarious, because it turns out to be an hour show about the migratory habits of the jellyfish.

BUSHITALED: the sight of fresh faced comics turning up at the Festival from Week 3 onwards to “see some shows and do a few gigs”, and noticing their quiet and relaxed demeanours from the lack of pressure.

CAFFIN: eating in the same cafe near your venue so often that the people who work there want to come to your show.

DENAPOLISE: the realisation that if you eat one more late night pizza you are likely to go on a rampage of destruction against every clay oven you can get your hands on.

DISFLIRGE: the bittersweet feeling that hits you when you see one of your flyers lying on a pavement having been discarded as a non-starter, and the story that presents itself in your mind of an angry tourist throwing it to the ground in disgust having finally had enough flyers for one day.

FAMILLIDE: The overwhelming feeling of helplessness when you open the Fringe Programme to decide what to go and see and realise that you could be deciding all day. Can lead to TELLISION, the lazy response of picking someone you’ve seen on TV.

LYORY: telling a comic that you are having a fantastic Festival – possibly the best you’ve ever had – when in fact you are almost ready to kill yourself / kill your agent / kill your PR / kill your flatmate / kill your next audience of seven people.

MARDONATE: the urge to march and / or do a strange dance as you pass someone drumming or playing bagpipes on a street corner. Often accompanied by the lobbing of a coin of some denomination into the soiled headwear of the performer.

PROMBLE: Telling fellow performers that you would love to see their show and that you will definitely go as soon as you have settled in to a routine and that you are relieved your shows don’t clash so you can definitely make it, definitely. But really, you can’t be arsed. Also applies to coffees and lunches.

QUIRKOOSH: a comic or comedy show that is lauded by the media as ‘unbridled genius’ and the Next Big Thing, but is in fact extremely irritating and unintelligable. And totally unfunny.

SHMOOZENT: the feeling of angst at seeing a fellow performer hob-knobbing with the ‘Right People’ so much better than you can. Similar in origin to ENSHMOOZED which is the feeling of impotent anger when seeing the ‘Hot New Act’ surrounded by ‘The Powers that be at the Beeb’, all vying for him or her to sign a huge contract.

SHOULDANY: the act of looking around the bar to see who else is in whilst in the middle of having a conversation with another, relatively unimportant festival attendee. Often leads to SNUBBERY – the act of cutting someone off in mid sentence to go and talk to a career prospect who has just walked into the room. Often committed during industry parties.

TAXICITY: the sudden disappearance of any available licenced taxis on the roads after two minutes of drizzle. Though fairly common in most cities, it is particularly noticeable in Edinburgh during the Festival due to the number of fat and lazy publicists and agents in the area.

UNBOTHERATION: (1) the act of pretending not to care that everyone’s show is selling out except your own; (2) a furtive glance at the ‘Sold Out’ board in your venue followed by a deep depression and feeling of bitterness (3) trying not to read the five star reviews slapped on other people’s posters.

VENURRY: The sense of panic when rushing between different Fringe venues because you’re trying to squeeze in as many shows as possible, and being late for at least two in the process.

WAFTITUDE: the site of an audience fanning themselves five minutes into your show accompanied by the realisation that if they are this hot five minutes into your show, just think how much apologising you will have to do in forty minutes time. See also AIRUTEEN.

Addy van der Borgh’s show ‘Advanced Mumbo Jumbo’ was performed at The Stand during Fringe 2010.

LINKS:  www.addyvanderborgh.com