ED2010 Columns ED2010 Comedy ED2010 Week2 Edition

Fringe Emergencies – Adam Vincent prescribes

By | Published on Tuesday 31 August 2010

Adam Vincent

“Help! It’s half way through the Festival, I have to do something healthy”. Panic not, Adam Vincent is not only a comedian, he is also a nurse, and is thus totally qualified to give you some Fringe health tips. Though we can’t guarantee you should take them too seriously.

1. Convince yourself that tomorrow you’re going to climb Arthur’s Seat. You’ll become excited at the prospect, your body will lighten as it prepares for the journey. Your mind will calm as it focuses on the ascent. If you were previously dawdling through the festival, low on energy, unable to ward off the throngs of flyerers… now you’ll have a steely resolve.

“Would you like to come and see this show, it’s by…”

“Sorry love I’ve got to go home and make sandwiches. Big Day tomorrow…I’m climbing Arthur’s Seat”.

Boom. You’re away. You’ve got a goal and your confidence is up. Tomorrow’s sense of purpose is today’s coal for the mojo fire. Now here’s the crucial part. Don’t actually climb Arthur’s Seat. Are you kidding? It’s a 2 1/2 hour journey. Nope… talking about it should be more than enough.

2. Say no to that last pint. I know why Russians drink. It’s because they live in Russia where it’s stupidly cold, prospects are handed out according to the mood of the Mafia and I’m basing this on nothing more than a few bad movies from the 80s, the footage from when their submarine wouldn’t float and Gorbachev’s birth mark. Clearly Russia’s tourism minister needs to lift his game.

If I were living in Russia I’d marry an olive and we’d quickly set out to slowly get pickled. My point is it’s August and we’re in Edinburgh – one of the most beautiful cities in the world, at its most creative. Young good-looking people fill the Meadows, laughter reverberates through the city’s nooks and crannies, dancers leave us gasping while music soothes our soul. Why would you want to dampen your senses and miss out? We’re living in the capital of fun.

3. Eat fruit. If you’re anything like me and dabble in low self esteem, fruit can be intimidating – it took me forever to pluck up the courage to eat a mango. I was in my early 20s and I just remember seeing this amazing yellow fruit in its own bed – and its bed was better than my bed, so I dared not. I moved on to strawberries but my inner voice of doubt called out… “you don’t deserve strawberries, you slept in until noon”.

Then it was blueberries – now these things can actually save your life. Full of anti-oxidants, only ever 30 in a punnet, hand picked by Jesus. It’s a pity that back home they’re nearly $3000 a whack. Somedays I would think, “No! Screw the expense. I’m having blueberries”.

Then the voice of doubt would reappear “you can’t have berries Adam, that’s homeowner food and you only own one pair of shoes. People who eat blueberries have back yards and wear slippers and eat crepes for breakfast. You don’t even know what crepes are. You think they’re pancakes but you’re not really sure are you? You wouldn’t put your house on it. Why? You don’t have one. Go and eat some toast”. Let me just say… we all deserve blueberries. And they are good for you.

Adam Vincent’s show ‘Vital Signs’ was performed at Assembly during Fringe 2010.