ED2016 Columns ED2016 Comedy

Chris Stokes: Five things you might think during the Fringe that you MUST do the opposite of

By | Published on Wednesday 10 August 2016

Chris Stokes

Chris Stokes’ show this year may be called ‘The Man Delusion’, but he’s also been worrying that some of you Festival-goers might just fall for some of those all-too-common Fringe delusions this month.
To stop that from happening, he’s identified the five things you might think during the Fringe that you MUST do the opposite of. Just so that, when you do indeed think these things, you will know you MUST do the opposite. So here goes…

1. “Another Late Night Won’t Hurt, Tomorrow Night Will Be The Early Night”
We all know from the signs in pubs and bars around the world that proclaim “Free Beer Tomorrow”, that tomorrow never comes. It’s inevitable, really, that at the arts world’s biggest sweet shop one can get carried away. There’s too much temptation floating around, and even the most sensible of us can make that naughty decision, to allow ourselves one minor transgression, before we find that it snowballs out of control and into routine, and we’re running day after day on the same disturbed sleep and Vitamin C deficiency. So if you find yourself thinking, “one more tonight, then tomorrow will be the early one”, then chances are you have already done quite a bit in a row and should probably make TONIGHT the early one.

2. “Lie In Or Breakfast? Lie In”
If it comes down to not having time for both, always go for breakfast. First of all, breakfast is easily the best meal of the day and second of all, a good one is much better Fringe-fuel than an extra half hour of a beery doze. Peeling your sweaty ass off of inviting bed sheets can hurt like fresh hell, but is so worth it if it makes time for breakfast food.

3. “A Day Like Today Calls For Flip-Flops”
Looks that way doesn’t it? Our local star radiating so beautifully upon us all, that you find yourself delighted at the opportunity to bring out the summer guns and go all floaty sunny boho. However, to do so is to forget one crucial thing. Even on its sunniest, most gorgeously tropical days, Edinburgh is no less hilly. Try running uphill over a load of cobbles wearing two swimming pool floats under your feet (only attached at the one end) when you realise you’ve got five minutes to make it to a venue ten minutes’ walk away. No day at the Fringe EVER calls for flip-flops.

4. “I Think I’ll Just Pop Into This Free Show And Wait For The Rain To Stop”
Entry into the Fringe programme, getting posters designed, getting flyers printed and renting a flat at the Fringe FOR THE WHOLE MONTH is more than worth it when you’re following your dream and answering your artistic calling. But it is also too much to pay to be a glorified bus shelter if it happens to be chucking it down. Taking shelter from a downpour in one of the many free shows will not only disrupt it, it can disrupt it twice. Once when the rain starts and once when it stops.

5. “I’ll Just Take A Shortcut Up The Royal Mile”
Yes, you’ll meet someone pretending to be one of America’s Founding Fathers, have to step around several people laying prone on the cobbles and be waved at by a Predator having a chat with Yoda, but you’ll not get to the castle any quicker.

‘Chris Stokes – The Man Delusion’ was performed at Underbelly Med Quad at Edinburgh Festival 2016.