ED2013 Columns ED2013 Comedy

Brett Goldstein: Contains themes of an adult nature

By | Published on Friday 9 August 2013

Brett Goldstein

Brett Goldstein takes on pornography in his latest Fringe show, not particularly as part of any moral agenda, but because his efforts to prove his love for porn was all good and healthy sort of did the reverse. As he explains in his guest column for ThreeWeeks.

I did a lot of research for my show. I like to keep an open mind. I’ve read and heard all the arguments for and against porn. And, to be honest, I wanted to find the statistics that could make it alright to continue loving it. Cos I did love it. It was a comfort. Thanks to the internet, none of us need ever leave the house again to seek out relationships, or deal with the actual mucky business of sex or, even worse, the awful mucky business of ‘feelings’ and ‘intimacy’.

But as much as porn seemed democratic and fun, it never felt right. I wanted it to. But it didn’t. Of course it didn’t. When you find yourself watching women being slapped and degraded on a daily basis, no matter how much it may excite your bollocks, it doesn’t make your heart feel good. It’s only when you step away from it that you notice how much you have been brain washed. It’s an addiction.

I saw a Ted Talk entitled ‘The Great Porn Experiment’ and it explained how the brain gets warped on internet porn. The problem isn’t necessarily the porn, it’s the speed and the volume of it. It never ends. And so the reward centre in your brain that gives you dopamine starts to get used to giving you dopamine for fast images of women being degraded. Because let’s face it, that’s the majority. Sure, there’s an argument that porn is a democracy and you can get something for everyone. And you can. You want to see a nurse feed a pig with a pair of tights on her head, you’ll find it. But the majority is skewed. The game is rigged. And the five companies who make money out of porn (one of the biggest industries in the world), they control the stats. They make ‘abusive’ porn the norm.

And we are all watching. Men, women and children (women make up 33% of porn users, while the larger majority of pornography users are 12-17 year olds). It’s an epidemic. And not only does it affect normal relationships, it affects sexual function. Men everywhere are losing their erections. Cos a real women doesn’t reload and morph into another one in a split second, and then another one with a banana in her asshole, and then another one dressed as a milkmaid being beaten by masked men with giant cocks for blowing a builder.

A real woman provokes the other senses. Touch and taste and smell. And those senses are no longer rewarded by the warped brain. A real woman answers back. Has her own set of desires. Her own sets of needs. A real woman doesn’t exist solely to pleasure a man. A real woman is a nightmare.

I’ve stopped watching porn. Not for any moral reason. But for the good of my penis. I wanted to be able to be with one of these complicated nightmarish women and feel connected to her, rather than above her. Which is incredibly hard and I hate it. But I’m trying. I mean let’s be clear on this, so far, it’s been a disaster. I’m nowhere near getting it right. But I don’t have that empty feeling anymore. That feeling of giving all my care and attention to nothing. To emptiness.

I gave up porn like I gave up cigarettes. Maybe you should too. Or not. Whatever. I don’t care. I’m only up here doing a comedy show. I’m not on a crusade or anything. Knock yourselves out please. I appreciate this article will in no way convince you that I’ve made a comedy show. But I have. It doesn’t mean I’m not serious about it. And it doesn’t mean the show is not for all men, women and children. Cos it is (maybe not the children).

All I’ll say is this. If there’s a god, and you get to heaven and he says, “What did you do with your life?”, do you really want the answer to be, “I spent most of it hunched over my laptop in the kitchen wanking like a little monkey over videos of fake girls being abused”.  Only for God to say “Did you not notice all the fucking sunsets?”

‘Brett Goldstein Contains Scenes Of An Adult Nature’ was performed at Pleasance Courtyard at Edinburgh Festival 2013.